It’s the Fourth of July, and you know what that means! It’s time to put some steaks on the grill, visit with family and friends, and blow your neighborhood to kingdom come with a bunch of cheaply made Chinese fireworks.
Sadly, I can do none of these things.
Does the federal prison system observe the birth of our nation? Yes, though I wonder if the guards ever noticed the irony of celebrating a holiday called INDEPENDENCE DAY in PRISON.
So what do inmates get to celebrate this wonderful holiday? A craptastic lunch. I got a piece of barbecued pork so fatty, my plastic knife laughed at me when I trimmed away the fat to discover that I had two whole bites of meat to enjoy. What was the point of that?
If I were out of the hole and back on the compound, I’d have the chance to participate in some events on the rec yard. I would need the basketball skills of Jordan in his prime or the expeditious feet of a track-and-field star just to win a few lousy cans of soda, so forget THAT.
If the Bureau of Prisons wanted to celebrate Independence Day in the right way, here’s what they’d do: Wall off part of the rec yard, give me a sword and shield, and pit me against the hungriest, meanest lion they can find. If I manage to slay the beast and not get eaten in the process, I GO HOME. The government makes loads of money on Pay-Per-View AND they reduce the prison population, so they stand to gain here. And at this point, I’d take a charging lion over a bunch of ignorant, foul-mouthed gremlins.
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