Pop quiz, hotshot. You shouldn’t have eaten an entire bag of habanero chips for dinner. It’s 1:00 am, and you have awakened in your cell to a sour stomach. You need to take a dump, but you are locked in your cell with three other people. They’re all asleep, but the guards make their rounds in less than five minutes. So what do you do? What . . . do . . . you . . . DO?!!!
A. Wake your cellies up and tell them you have to make a smelly habanero dump.
B. Put your privacy sign in the window to block the guards’ view and leisurely evacuate your bowels. Slow and steady wins the race.
C. Deal with the pain and wait till morning.
D. Take the fastest dump in human history.
The correct answer is D. A is inconsiderate. It’s rude to wake people up to tell them that you have to drop a deuce. B won’t work at all. If the cops see your privacy sign up in the middle of the night, they will bang on your door like gorillas so they can see in the window, and of course this will wake anyone sleeping in the cell. You’ll be caught by your cellies AND the cops. C might be fatal. Habanero peppers aren’t to be taken lightly. The only thing you can do is D.
Speed is the key. Try to make that deuce Gone in 60 Seconds. Remember to keep the bus moving at over 50 miles per hour to reduce the smell coefficient.
Silly as it is, this is a true story. I ate the chips and paid the price. Prison makes you reminiscence about the little things in life, like having YOUR OWN PRIVATE BATHROOM.
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