I’m still dreading that I’ll be leaving prison in a month or so to return home and face state charges. It’s not the court appearance that really bothers me (although it does a little), it’s the fact that I KNOW I’m going to face another horde of gremlins in county jail, and they’re the worst by far.
I know that it’s great for the blog and all, but I really wasn’t looking forward to another adventure. My goal was to sit here and wait out my remaining four years in relative peace, but nooooo. NOW I HAVE TO TAKE THE RING BACK TO MORDOR.
Gandalf: Joedo, I’m afraid that I have to burden you with returning the One Subpoena back to the place of its creation. The journey will be long, and you may not return alive. Are you up to the task, lad?
Me: I’ll tell you what. See that cardboard box in the corner? I’m going to toss that blighted Subpoena inside, write “Do Not Open – Throw Directly Into Volcano” on the outside, and have Sam run it to the FedEx up the street. It’ll be in Mordor before Second Breakfast tomorrow.
Gandalf: Joedo, you fool! Life is not eBay. Besides, your plan has one great flaw: Gremlins cannot read . . .
Me: (Sigh) Fine, so be it then. Hand me another loaf of that crappy Elf bread. I’ll set out at first light.
Seriously, travelling through the prison system can be a perilous ordeal. Multiply the danger by 100 if you’re going as an s.o.
Will I be fed enough today? Will I have to sleep next to someone who wants to stab me? Will the police even care if something happens? These are just some of the questions you’ll be asking yourself every day while you’re in transit. Prison isn’t a great place to be either, but at least there you have a few more options.
Of all the places to be incarcerated, county jail is the absolute WORST. Criminally high prices for commissary, meals so bad that the rats won’t eat them, and gremlins sadistic enough to scare the demons in the nine hells are all good reasons to stay away. What makes this worse is that I THOUGHT that I was done with this experience.
I almost had the memory of county jail suppressed – until now. In a month’s time, you’ll see me back in Mordor again with no magic sword, no mithril armor, and no Fellowship to back me up. I got through by the skin of my teeth the first time, and I don’t know if I’ll be lucky twice. I’ll have to use what little experience I have to my advantage and play the game of survival once more.
As always, my misfortune is your entertainment. Enjoy.
Im really sorry your going to have to relive this stuff all over. My own hubby has said county jail is the worst!
ReplyDeleteBut who knows. Maybe the fact you have been to prison will elevate your *status* and they will leave you alone on that fact, cause you could be a bad......er.....bad guy. :D
(one can hope, that you'll be left alone)
beware of the gremlins. You'll need a gremlin shield.
Joe, your misfortune is most certainly not entertaining. It is concerning. We worry about you. We enjoy your humorous stories, yes. We enjoy the eloquence of your prose. We eagerly wait with the greatest anticipation each blog post for the latest news. But we do not enjoy the danger and harm you face in transit or in county jail. I think you are going to be ok. I think you have figured out how things work, and how to avoid peril. It is going to suck, no doubt. But you have a lot of people supporting you and praying for you. I hope you're not there long. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteJoe, you sound like you could use some longbottom leaf :- )
ReplyDeleteHaving been in transit myself by bus from MA to TX to a county jail, it's no fun at all. The food IS super lousy! Our trip was action packed with pepper spray, K9 cops, and the Tuscaloosa AL sheriff coming into our rioting pod pointing a shotgun at everyone. Oh the memories. But yeah county guys don't have the incentive to behave or chill out so keep your wits about you. At least you are a wizened old G doing FED time so thats gotta count for something. Gotta have some respect for guys in federal penitentiaries!
-Richard
http://masexoffenderresource.blogspot.com/
The whole time I was reading this post I kept telling myself Don't laugh, Don't laugh, Don't laugh...sorry Joe, that was hysterical, and also one of the best examples of why I know you'll be okay. You are clever and as sharp as a tack. Your gut instincts alone will help survive any dim-witted gremlins. You WILL succeed...BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL, I COMMAND IT!!! opps, wrong series. Be cool Joe and stay strong.
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