Hold the Mayo

• Welcome to the Jungle
• We got fun and games
• We’re stuffin’ ourselves up your crack
• And we don’t even know your name

And if you think that was twisted, then you certainly DON’T want to hear the prison rendition of “Sweet Child of Mine.”

WELCOME, gremlins and devotees, to the latest grotesquely sticky edition of Joe the S.O., where I never spare you the details (unless they get cut out by my editor).

Well, I keep my eyes peeled and my ears open, and now I have a new tale to tell. I met a pair of newcomers the other day, and they spent a good half hour telling me about the warm welcome they’ve been getting from the gay population.

Both of these guys are s.o.’s, and one of them happens to look very young despite being 35 years old. They met in county jail and were transported here together. Since both guys have never done time before, they both hang out together while they figure out how to survive the gauntlet at federal prison. Their first test: Figuring out how to stop half the compound from trying to mate with them.

There are a TON of inmates here who will prey on new arrivals fresh off the bus, and if you look young, that’s just icing on the cake. Letting these two guys out on the yard was like trapping a pair of mice in a rattlesnake cage.

Gays came from all over trying to couple with them, and they’ve had their hands full refusing all the offers. Eventually, people started to think that they were a pair because they were always together and they weren’t warming to anyone’s advances. (Neither guy is homosexual, by the way.)

Finally, one inmate came up with a NEW tactic: Money. He offered the older guy TWENTY books of stamps ($100.00) for access to the younger guy. (This shows how badly people crave sex in here.) When the offer was refused, the horny inmate came up with a new one. He said that he’d be willing to pay $50.00 for a pill bottle full of the younger guy’s . . . seed. And NO, we’re not talking about sunflower or pumpkin seeds.

When they told me about the offer to pay FIFTY BUCKS for a man’s sexual emissions, I was caught between laughing and wanting to puke my guts out. Fifty bucks? Really?! Personally, I’d rather have 50 onions or 10 cases of soda rather than an ounce of . . . MAN-aise. YUCK.

So, as you might guess, this is a BIG culture shock for the newly-hatched jailbirds. Things are starting to calm down though, as people are finally starting to get it through their thick skulls that these two guys are NOT interested in prison sex. Good for them. As long as they keep their wits about them, I’m sure they’ll be able to survive here.