As I’m writing this post, I’m gnawing on the nasty prison “fakon” they sometimes serve with Sunday brunch instead of the breakfast sausage. What is fakon? It’s my made-up word meaning “fake bacon,” which is the only kind of bacon you’ll find behind these prison walls.
Up until now, I’ve never had bacon that didn’t taste like pork.
The taste is kind of hard to describe. I guess it’s sort of like eating super-greasy turkey. Turkey bacon? A mad scientist must have somehow gotten a turkey to oink, and that must have been the only FDA requirement to pass it off as bacon. Well, you’re not fooling ME. So, what part of a turkey does bacon come from anyway?
And don’t get me started on the usual breakfast sausage. If you’re thinking of Pepperidge Farm or Jimmy Dean, forget it. Think SPICED HOCKEY PUCK. The color of the sausage isn’t even right! Have you ever had a gunmetal gray breakfast sausage?
Where do they GET this crap food?!
I’d say about 35% of the inmate population is on a no-pork diet. Not for religious reasons, but simply because any pork product served here is typically disgusting. Beef, chicken, and turkey dishes are usually edible, but stay the h*** away from the pork. I’d rather make soup out of my cellmate’s underwear than eat the pork adobo.
And note that when I say that something is edible here, I’m just saying that it won’t KILL you.
So, is any prison food on par with the outside world? Hmm, let me think . . .
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. . . Do ice cubes count?
You mean there are still prisons that serve any pork at all? In Alabama prisons, they do not serve pork because of the religious people. The only time I ate pork in prison was when I graduated from certain religious programs in the prison chapel; in December they would hold a feast for grads and people brought REAL food. No prison slop, just real home-style cooking. It is sad how they treat inmates knowing most are going to be unceremoniously dumped onto the streets at the end of their sentences.
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