Enemy of the State

Today, the worst thing that could possibly happen to me finally came into being. As if I didn’t have enough time already, my home state has placed a detainer on me and is itching to convict me of three new charges. As it stands, I think I’m looking at 5 – 23 more years of prison.

As you can imagine, that pretty much ruined my day.

Did I cry or curse out the guard who gave me the detainer? No. So much has already happened to me in the past year, I have no tears left to give. All I can do is take each day as it comes. Writing does help a bit, sometimes.

At least one good thing happened today: I got a lawyer. From what I’m told, this guy is the real deal. So for now, I’m pinning all my hopes on him. Hopefully, he’ll pull some Johnnie Cochran magic out of his briefcase and save my bacon.

Lawyer: “You must admit, these charges are bulls***!”

Judge: “Hmm . . . I concur. Case dismissed.”

If that doesn’t happen, I guess you readers out there can look forward to ANOTHER COUPLE DECADES of joetheso.com, so I guess someone wins either way it goes.

I always thought that it was pretty shady that you could get state AND federal charges for the same crime, and it doesn’t violate the double jeopardy clause in the Constitution. So if the government wanted to keep tagging you for the crime, all they’d have to do is keep inventing new municipalities, then hit you with new paperwork. I’ve been in federal court, and now I’m going to state court. What’s next, FOOD COURT?!

Bailiff: “All rise, the Honorable Mayor McCheese presiding.”

McCheese: “You may sit down and place your orders.”

ME: “Yeah, I’d like the PRESIDENTIAL PARDON Extra Value Meal please.”

McCheese: “That will be four million dollars. No checks, cash only.”

ME: “D***.”

Being hit with these state charges is almost as ridiculous as going to court in a shopping mall. But if Mayor McCheese really wants to file charges against me, he’s welcome to do so. He’ll have to convict me from my DIGESTIVE TRACT though. It’s been a year since I’ve had McDonald’s, and he’s looking mighty tasty. Is eating a giant, sentient McDonald’s cheeseburger considered cannibalism?

Well . . .

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