Jailbirds

One of my favorite things to do after lunch or dinner is to feed the horde of pigeons which congregate right outside the cafeteria. Inmates pocket some of their bread that they receive with a meal, and they sneak it outside to feed the birds. You aren’t allowed to take any food back to your cell from the cafeteria except for a piece of fruit, but it’s not hard to smuggle out a couple pieces of bread.

The pigeons have little fear of humans, and they will walk within a few feet of anyone as long as they aren’t doing anything hostile. This is what makes it fun to feed them. I know this must be a pretty mundane thing for any of my readers who live in places like New York which have a lot of pigeons, but for me it’s pretty new. Birds in my home state won’t go anywhere near a human, even if they had a bakery’s worth of bread in their pocket. Sometimes, it’s little things like feeding a bird that helps a felon get through his day.

So anyway, once I get past the guards who stand outside the exits to the cafeteria, it’s time to have some fun. I tear my bread into small pieces and toss them to the birds as I walk back to my housing unit. This causes the pigeons to go NUTS, and they will engage in Mortal Kombat to compete for their supper. I haven’t seen any Fatalities yet, so maybe I should toss them an old Game Pro or Nintendo Power with the bread next time. (Yes, I’m kidding.)

If the pigeons were to attack anyone, it should be the cops and not each other. Too bad the police aren’t bread flavored. I wouldn’t mind if the pigeons Alfred Hitchcocked the cops to death so that I could hop the razor wire fence to freedom. I’d throw bread crumbs at the police to train the birds, but with my luck, I’d get charged for “assault with a yeasty weapon” and have another five years added to my sentence.

On second thought, I’ll let the cops live this time. There are a few bad ones, but overall the police here aren’t as evil as those elsewhere. Also, when I’m feeding the birds, this is done in plain sight of the guards. I highly doubt that inmates are allowed to feed the pigeons, so the cops must be turning a blind eye to the activity. There is a kind of grey area that inmates are afforded when it comes to prison life, so I have to be grateful when I can get away with a small thing like this.