Unrequited Love

An inmate has taken a liking to me recently, and at this point, I can’t say that I’m really surprised. It was inevitable. The only question was the timing.

It all started innocently enough. One day while I was working in the cafeteria during lunch service, some random old guy that I’d never talked to before popped up out of nowhere and asked me if I needed him to mule anything back to my cell. (A common method of theft in the kitchen is for a worker to hand off his loot to a partner who comes in during mealtime. This is done to avoid having said loot confiscated during the end-of-shift pat-downs that food service workers must submit to before they are allowed to leave for the day.) Although anyone leaving the cafeteria during a meal still has to get through a security checkpoint at the door, this is much easier to deal with than trying to get FIFTY cooked chicken thighs out by yourself at the end of the day.

Anyway, this guy was asking to be my smuggler. I suppose the expression on my face looked somewhat like a deer caught in headlights. Who IS this guy?

While I was thinking of a kind way to refuse his offer, he explained that he was my homeboy since we’re from the same region. (His idea of region must mean CONTINENT since he lives nowhere close to me.) “This is prison, and homeboys should stick together,” he said.

Well, that’s sorta true, but I judge people on an individual basis, not by which area of the United States they’re from. I’m determined not to adopt inmate logic and values while I’m here. That’s a taint that can stick with you for the rest of your life if you’re not careful, and I’m NOT taking prison home with me.

At the time when he asked, I didn’t really have much. Maybe two loaves of bread and some bleach. I knew the cops working that day would only take your goods if you had an excessive amount on you, and in here, two loaves of bread is nothing. I was able to honestly tell the guy that I didn’t need his assistance.

Before he turned to leave, he informed me that the cops were the enemy, and if I ever needed any help, that I could ask him. I put on a fake smile and said okay, thinking that I’d never speak with him again. Boy was I wrong.

(Despite all of the homosexual things I’ve seen in prison, the old man didn’t trip any of my alarms. He just looked like your average, old school drug dealer.)

After that day, the guy began to visit me whenever I had to work. That’s when I started to become suspicious. We have nothing in common, save for the fact that we’re both federal inmates. (I’m big into reading and gaming, and he does neither.) So since he was still looking for an “in” to get to know me, he used his trump card: money.

When he started offering to cook for me, my gay-dar instantly went from yellow to red. I pulled him aside and told him, “Despite what you may think, I’m not gay.”

He wasn’t taken aback, not even a bit. “I just want to be a friend to you,” he said. Yeah, right. His attitude became annoyingly patient, making me figure that he would try to turn me to the dark side.

So why didn’t I just tell him off? I don’t know; I’m probably just too nice. In addition, I also have a few homosexual friends (you can’t help having a few here), and we get along just fine. As long as someone’s NOT trying to declare by fiat that I’m gay and willing to service him, I can get along with just about anybody.

I probably made a mistake by letting the guy help me in getting a new job (I’m sick of the kitchen), and by eating the nachos he offered. Is he going to demand my rear as payment for his services? I highly doubt that, but I sort of feel that I’m taking advantage of him, even though I made it clear up front that I wasn’t interested in a relationship. He even offered to enroll the two of us in a leatherworking class, and pay for my material. (He told me that money was no object since he was able to bank a tidy sum before the feds caught up with him.)

He seems like a decent guy (unlike Fudd), so I really don’t want to hurt his feelings. I may HAVE to if this keeps up, though. He’s an okay dude, but his intentions are a little creepy.